Dissolving Fear

Anger is just the avoidance of fear.

I’ve been receiving this lesson in what feels like mega doses lately.

Yesterday, I got angry because my partner told me I had bad morning breath. This is a fact that I am well aware of and quite sensitive too so I felt hurt and voiced my feelings.

But what happened next was incredibly fascinating and frustrating. I spiraled into a rage of anger the entire rest of the day. A spiral that I could not pull myself out of.

The whole time I was painfully aware that I was digging my own hole, but instead of climbing out while I still could, I kept digging myself deeper and deeper.

Guys I have the tools to pull myself out of this, but I didn’t.

I took a bike ride and I cried.

I sat on the beach and tried to meditate.

I tried taking a nap.

I did breathwork.

I even looked up bad breath to see what Louise Hay had to say about it.

I laughed cynically when I read “anger and revenge” next to the words bad breath.

Of course, Louise, of course.

I even knew that anger wasn’t the issue, I KNEW there was something brewing under the surface, but I wouldn’t allow myself to see it.

Because ANGER FEELS BETTER THAN FEAR.

In a state of anger, I become self righteous. The world is wrong and I am right. I can point a finger and blame someone or something else for how I feel.

And best of all I don’t have to hold myself accountable for what I really want.

I can allow the old story that I am just not good enough to win.

The fear beneath the anger.

I’m incredibly blessed to have a partner who allows me to voice my anger. Especially when most of it was directed at him.

As I voiced it, its power lessened over me. I still didn’t understand what was driving it, but I no longer felt like I was thrashing in a sea of anger.

As the anger softened I felt the fear and anxiety ramp up. I realized I am actually just terrified of kitesurfing. (I am on a kitesurfing trip in North Carolina and yesterday I was going to be out on the water on my own.) Kitesurfing is probably the most difficult sport or activity that I have ever attempted and I am afraid to try something that I might fail at. Even worse I am afraid to say I want to be a kitesurfer because what if I can’t do it? What if I just don’t have what it takes?

My anger yesterday gave me a pass on doing something hard. It was an escape from feeling the fear and moving through it. It was an escape from choosing to be someone or something that I actually do want to be.

I share my story with you, because this is a real thing. We all have anger, but it’s not the anger that’s holding us back. It’s the fear.

I notice the same pattern in all areas of my life - my work, my relationships. I want more, but I am afraid to get in the water because what if I fail.

If you are struggling with anger, find the fear that’s holding you back.

If you feel stuck, if you aren’t healing, if you want more - ask yourself what it means for you to get in the water, get in the game of your life, try something you’ve never done, be someone you’ve never been before.

Dissolving fear heals you faster and more completely than any medicine ever could.

I got back out in the water this morning. I struggled for 2 hours to ride for less than 2 minutes. I cried. I wanted to give up. I got angry, but I did it.

Part of me healed out on that water today and that was glorious.