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Relationship Repair

The Prescription For What Ails You

I haven’t written about my divorce in quite some time. I’ve got a whole book nearly written about my experience and it’s been dormant on my laptop for about a year now. That’s a whole other blog in itself, but there is something of value that I want to share with anyone considering divorce, in the process of divorce or who has already gone through a divorce.

Repair does not mean that you fall in love again and live happily ever after in wedded bliss.

Repair means you are calling in an upgrade in your current relationship and in all future relationships as well.

Repair means you are walking away from co-dependency and walking toward mutual respect, support, and better communication.

Repair is walking toward unconditional love. Repair is honoring the divine not only in you, but in them too.

Repair is honoring the divine in them, and you simultaneously.

Too often, the dissolution of the marriage is marked as the dissolution of honoring the other. We believe that to honor ourselves, we must dishonor them. Someone must be wrong so I can be right.

Repair holds space for both partners to be equally honored by Self AND Other.

Repair is moving away from what you did wrong to owning the co-creative nature of all relationships. It is saying I recognize that my hurt harmed you.

It is not apologizing for what you had no conscious awareness of, but rather acknowledging what you now know and vowing to be better going forward.

It is acknowledging who your partner truly is, all that they have done right and honoring the gift that their love has provided you. Just because your perception of them has changed in light of your awareness does not detract from the fact that they chose to love you and at one time they chose to love you so well that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them.

Repair is finding a way to be grateful for the love they were able to offer and you were able to receive.

They loved you the best that they knew how. You loved them the best that you know how.

You both know better now, so do better.

When I left my marriage, I refused to leave loving him any less. I vowed to myself that I would not leave angry, resentful, or hurt. I would only leave if I believed that doing so was from a place of deep reverence both for myself and him. In the end I did not choose divorce, I chose love. I chose repair.

Our relationship has changed. We are no longer married. We are conscious co-parents who treat each other with love, respect, and honor.

Not always. Sometimes we get angry. Sometimes we yell. Often we disagree.

But we always return to repair.

It’s beautiful. I’m grateful. It’s possible.

As a disclaimer I am not talking about relationships where there has been physical, mental, or emotional abuse where you do not feel safe to be in the same room with the person or fully express yourself. In these situations, safety is a prerequisite to repair.

I am referring to relationships that have simply lost the spark, connection, and passion that they once held for you.

You must repair the relationship. Preferably before you leave it although repair is better late than never.

Repair will eventually happen even if you choose to do nothing. Time heals all wounds and if you choose not to do it in this lifetime, well there’s always the next (if you believe in the whole many lifetimes bit).

But there are shall we say incentives and perks that come with prioritizing repair in the now especially if there are children involved or situations where ongoing communication is essential.

As a Therapist, I’ve worked with many people considering divorce, navigating divorce or dealing with an angry ex.

The solution is always repair, no matter where you are at.

I have a client who is happier in her marriage than she has ever been, because she did the work of repair.

Another in the midst of struggling (anxiety, fear, insomnia) her way through the divorce proceedings, chose to write her soon to be ex a “love letter”. As a result she was gifted with 3 nights of restorative and sound sleep.

Another in the midst of having a very difficult and humbling “repair” conversation with her soon to be ex received a card with $1,000 cash in it from an anonymous “someone who cares.”

Leaning into repair leads to some of the most unexpected and miraculous gifts.

I’m hearing as I write this that we can eliminate the need for most medical intervention if we simply just choose repair.

So that’s it. That’s the message. Choose repair. Every day. Every time.

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